When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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