when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
