I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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