I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
