WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
We had sex on a dog bed..
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
