I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
