she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
