I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
