She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How does it feel to date your dad?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
