the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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