1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
