I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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