John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
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