hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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