What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize