plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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