The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
