p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
