I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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