Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
