you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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