glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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