Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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