Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
