I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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