I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
