you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
