If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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