before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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