I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
