its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
