My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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