just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
When did angry sex become our thing?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
