Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
