I CAN MOONWALK!
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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