3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
