in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
