Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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