The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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