you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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