Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
