never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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