just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
