Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
