She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
