the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize