i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
