Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
