i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
