everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
