You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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