I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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