I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Threesome in a minivan. New low
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
