I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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