i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
