I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
