wrigley field is MILF paradise
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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